Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
