Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
