dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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