you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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