Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
