just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Randomize
