Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
