He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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