I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
