Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
