Banned from zoo.
Again?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
