I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I need to stop coming to work sober
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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