she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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