Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
