Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Holy shit dude........stairs
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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