Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
