if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
