You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
