dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize