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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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