Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Randomize
