He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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