normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Barsexuality is the new black.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
