no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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