So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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