I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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