dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
