I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
