a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Randomize
