im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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