does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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