What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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