i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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