You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
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