Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
