god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize
