I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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