sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
