im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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