just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
