The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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