I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
