Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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