nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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