I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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