I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
