Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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