how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
whose parrot is this?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
