how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
he fucked my hip out of place.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
