I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
