I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
