all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
