Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
