Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Randomize
