She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
