I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
