Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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