man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
When did angry sex become our thing?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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