I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Do vagina's smell?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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