I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
it glows. i had to have it.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
