Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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