if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
